Right, let's talk about something people quickly shy away from, it's something I shy away from aswell but hey, I guess it's important. The world is absolutely full of it, for something that's apparently so damn important it sure is weird that it's such a taboo to people.
So I've never really understood all the fuss people made about it. In school everyone was talking about boys and "you know, that thing, hihi", but I just thought about books and climbing in trees, that just seemed way more interesting.
At the same time though, I did find that I was thinking about it a bit. Perhaps because my friends were so into it, or maybe I did have a little curiousity in me. I never got that "special feeling" though, so I tried to kind of push myself to like boys. I remember deciding about someone particular and saying to myself: right, I fancy him now. I never really did though and always got over it super fast, because well, I never really got into it. Then I realized I might actually have a little more interest in girls than "normal", creating little crushes here and there and thinking how much simpler life would be if it was allowed for a girl to like girls too. Now looking back on it I can definitely see some moments where I was more interested in some girls than just friendships.
Although having learned now that being attracted to girls has got nothing to do with whether you're weird or not, I mean, you can't do anything about your sexuality, but back then it felt as if it was wrong. As I thought it wouldn't be accepted in my environment.
It definitely took me a while to figure things out. If only I'd confided in a friend about it in middle school it probably would've gone faster, but some things just take time. And I'm really glad that I've figured out that part about myself now.
So that was the bi part of my sexuality, because yes, I'm bi, a part of me does like boys too.
Now onto the asexual part.
This is something I've only recently figured out. I did know that I was strange for not being so focused on this thing that apparently everyone kept thinking about (because they certainly weren't quitting talking about it), but I had no idea that it could be normal to not care about sex. I had no idea that there are others around that just don't care about it as much too and it's really nice to know that it's not weird or that I'm not broken or something, I just work differently.
There's nothing wrong with me for not caring about sex and it doesn't make me any less of a hooman. I still need to remind myself about that fact and I hope that if you read this and you feel the same way, that there's nothing wrong with you either. The world might make us feel that way, but it's just not true.
I've learned a lot of this through therapy. I've learned that it's actually quite common for these things to go hand in hand with autism, which is spot on in my case, haha. Podcasts are my best friend aswell in learning about this. Someone was talking about aesthetic attraction where you appreciate the way people look and act, but that's it. And I was like YES! This is me. I have no idea how to explain it, but the podcasters came to my rescue with the perfect metaphor. People are like art, it's nice to look at the artwork, but I'm not trying to fuck it.
I think that because of my autism it took me so long to figure this out and I'm really happy that I did now, because this journey to self discovery has also brought me closer to my partner. I now know that there's nothing wrong with the relationship. Because you tend to think that you need to have sexual affection for someone to love them, but there are so many other ways to love someone. I just love differently.
And because I've learned this about myself I now know that I do care about him a lot and I do love him, eventhough I'm not physically attracted to him.
It's been a weight lifted from my shoulders that I didn't even realize was such a heavy weight.
I'm still human, I'm just not that average. :)
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