You might say that 2020 is an absolute shit show, but for me it's been such a year of self acceptance, improvement and just getting to know myself more in general.
The year started with me finally taking the scary step to start therapy, which I'm so very glad I went through with. It's been so great to help me realize that lots of things I struggle with comes down to my autism.
I had no idea so many things would be connected to it, as my diagnosis was basically like "alright, you've got aspergers, congratulations! Enjoy xoxo." I never got help learning how to go about the world and I was on my own trying to figure out how to deal with my atypical brain.
For so long I just thought that I was a bit quirky™️ and nothing else. I wasn't so different from other people, I was just a bit strange. Right? Turns out that, yes of course, everyone is different, but it was a bigger deal than people had lead me to believe.
For years I've struggled with depression and I was always so irritated, sad, tired. I just had no energy to live. I was bullied, like so many people I imagine, but I never knew how to deal with it. I just tried to become invisible and ignore it as much as I could while constantly having tears dripping down my face. It's hard for me to remember things from my past, which might have to do with my brain being so inactive during those years. I don't really mind though, because that time in my life was dark and it's painful sometimes to think back on.
I remember someone once telling me I was like Dory from finding Nemo. I have no idea why that connection was made back then but it's so funny now, as I too am so very forgetful. Perhaps they noticed my forgetfulness and went with it.
But I digress, as I always do. Having a chaotic brain makes for chaotic writings, haha.
The thing I'm trying to say is: knowing now that I'm so light and sound sensitive, quickly saddened by those things when they are too much and me not doing well in large crowds, I figured that my depression might have just come from my autistic brain being overstimulated and not given enough alone time and rest for me to recharge. Because now that I work part time with enough alone time at home, I don't feel like I'm drowning constantly anymore and I don't feel depressed anymore.
I'm sure that's not everything about it, because I had such self hatred aswell as other issues, but this might have played a big part in the depression I used to have.
Anyways, looking back on my past I recognize things that connect to being autistic and although it was hard being so clueless for so long, I'm so happy to know myself so much more now. It enables me to live my life more accordingly and knowing what to look out for to keep myself a happy and functioning human being.
Therapy also helped me connect the dots to my asexuality aswell as other things. It's made me feel more confident identifying with it and to embrace those parts of me. As I've said in my sexuality post I've suspected being gay from a young age and always repressed it, aswell as being asexual. Because both those things were a big no-no in my community, it was simply not understood and accepted, so I felt alien being like that.
It made me press down those thoughts and feelings, or rather, just not talking about it ever. Which is never good, kids! Please talk to people about your inner struggles and thoughts.
It's so important for yourself to be able to be open and being able to explore your own self. You can't change yourself so you might aswell get to know as much about yourself as you can, so you can deal with these things and not feel forever broken or strange. Because there are people out there who can relate and who will accept you for who you are!
Some people might not get it or understand, but that's okay. As long as you understand yourself and be true to yourself, you're golden!
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